


A Letter From Myself

by CherieRoseLoveless



Category: Original Work
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Cutting, Depression, Desperation, Dissociation, Dreams, Dubious Consent, Gen, Insomnia, Letters, Mental Health Issues, Miscarriage, Nightmares, PTSD, Pregnancy, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self Confidence Issues, Sleep Deprivation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-06
Updated: 2014-02-06
Packaged: 2018-01-11 09:41:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1171570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CherieRoseLoveless/pseuds/CherieRoseLoveless





	A Letter From Myself

I have not been feeling like myself. I had been fighting with my friend(s) and having days where I don't speak to them at all, I'm falling behind with my college work, I've been making myself sick, I've been having suicidal thoughts and have experienced hallucinations, voices in my head and mood swings. I have no idea what to do and I can't talk to anyone about it. 

I just bottle everything up and pretend everything is OK, even though I know what's wrong. I just want to end it all to make everyone feel guilty. I have had thoughts about burning my face and entire body, as well as binge eating in the middle of the night or after I have already eaten. I feel like I am in the middle of a dream rather than reality and I may have been suffering from hallucinations because I keep hearing people call my name but no one is there.

Suicidal thoughts still pop up from time to time and my main triggers for the thoughts about burning my face are my thoughts about my appearance and how I feel that people think I'm ugly and the triggers for binge eating are mainly due to general stress and when I'm sad, which is fairly often. However, I have in the past skipped meals and lived on water to the point where I was constantly throwing up and my mother made me start eating again.

For reasons I don't know I keep having dreams where I'm being raped, either by one person or in a gang bang and killing myself afterwards. I don't know what to make of this and I can't tell anyone because they would laugh at me. It was bad enough no one took me seriously the first two times I was raped for real and the subject is still touchy for me to this day. I feel like a massive hypocrite for laughing at jokes about rape, self-harm and suicide even though I was raped, self-harmed and thought about suicide constantly. 

I also feel like people are out to kill me and I have been called a 'retard' several times before, which has made me feel like I am a 'retard', even though people say otherwise. With or without friends, I've always felt alone, even going as far back as primary school.  
I have had thoughts about killing other people as well as myself. I've been avoiding certain people because they are either making fun of me in a hurtful way or they are hitting on me in a way that makes me feel seriously ill. 

I'm also constantly going from "happy" to "sad" to "angry". However, my default mood is apathy and I have all but stopped caring about other people and started spending more time alone and people in my class are continually annoying me, even when some of their "wacky antics" make me laugh. I feel like I have to fake emotions to fit in with other people and as a result, I continue to withdraw into myself. 

Thoughts about wanting to kill others and myself make me despair as well as making me more depressed than normal (which, frankly, is saying a lot). I feel indifferent to people who don't annoy me, people who annoy me makes me want to put then in a hospital. The only emotions I am capable of expressing at home is anger, sadness and apathy.

Unfortunately, I have trust issues so I can't really tell any of my friends what I'm feeling, I just bottle it up and try and carry on as usual. It also doesn't help that my inferiority complex has just resurfaced and I feel lower than everyone else. Comedy is what is keeping me from hurting myself at the moment, even though when the show is finished, the negative feelings show up again. 

I've only had one, maybe two moments where I've felt better about myself and even then, it only lasted for a short time and that's when people were being nice to me, for example, because I had nearly lost my father due to heart disease and it was upsetting me badly. 

My inferiority complex surfaces whenever people around me are (in my eyes) doing better than me and it makes me want to kill everyone and myself, which comes up once in a while. I've also found myself wondering wherever I'm a misanthrope or not even though I have friends, I feel like I should dislike them instead of liking them.  
I've always imagined drowning myself, cutting my wrists, overdosing or a combination of the above. I feel inferior to other people because they tend to be better at me at everything and I feel like I'm not good at anything I do, even though I try so hard.

I have been doing several forms of self-harm since I was 8 years old. I started by biting my hands and arms before cutting myself (mostly my arms but I have cut my chest and thigh on other occasions) with a razor blade. 

When I self-harm, it makes me feel better, although my mother is deeply unhappy that I do it and wants me to stop though I can't. I don’t want to. It’s part of my safe place. My mind palace, if you will. I change my mind about suicide pretty often because I don't know, my friends being around, I guess. Sometimes I even think about killing them then myself. I don't know why. 

At the moment I'm slightly suicidal as the depression is slowly creeping back on me and I've had dreams about dying of cancer as well as being pregnant and attempting to kill it or castrate it if it was a boy, as well as general triggering thoughts about self-harm although I've ignored it for some time.  
I have been having recurring thoughts about attempting suicide and being hospitalized and not being able to talk to anyone about it and I continued to keep to myself as I physically beat myself up and punched the walls until my knuckles bled. I've not cut for some time but I have the strangest urge to do so. I'd be letting people down if I did so I don't tell anyone anything. I just keep everything bottled up inside just how I used to as a child. I pretend to everyone and myself that I’m alright, although I’m lying.

I have been having recurring thoughts about attempting suicide and being hospitalized and not being able to talk to anyone about it. However, I have trust issues so I can’t really tell any of my friends what I’m feeling, I just bottle it up and force myself to carry on as usual.  
I'm sick of living and I am becoming more forgetful as well as constantly beating myself over the head with heavy objects as a form of punishment. I don't talk to anyone about my suicidal thoughts and urges because "she" tells me that they won't believe me and it's between "us". "She" being the voice in my head that both narrates everything I do as well as telling me what to write and to cut myself.

I am contemplating suicide and I plan to overdose with paracetamol or to slit my wrists and bleed out. Or both, I’m not bothered. Hell, I might get drunk and throw myself in front of a train if I have to. The only things I really have going for me are fighting, body shaming, eating and mental disorder related issues, sexual assaults which leads into a constant broken loop of internal slut shaming and victim blaming, suicidal idealization, self-harm and other various methods of self-abuse (with a possible suicide attempt along the way) all voiced and played out by the two voiced within my head, which causes me to be looked down on as a freak. This is very consistent in both real life and my dream world.

I'm not sure what has triggered my sudden urge to plan suicide. I have been cutting with a pair of scissors rather than using razor blades. The thoughts of suicide occur often so I am unable to concentrate on my work, although I was already easily distracted. I have no clue as to who I am anymore. I am not human, as being human is hard. I tried and failed.

Right now I can't feel anything. I cannot express empathy, I can only express apathy, even when I'm self-harming, there is nothing there and I feel nothing.  
I made one throwaway comment about harming myself with a knife on my Facebook. Now people are being TOO caring towards me and I don't like it. Although, context probably would help. 

Sometimes, I forget things, like I’m somehow detached from my physical form. 

It’s like I’m there but I’m not. The girl who wasn’t there. 

My mind is a complete blank. Not just right now. ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME. 

Liar, liar. Pants on fire. No, wait. Pants combusted. Liar, liar.

Great, I’m hallucinating again. Damn you all.

I really should stop talking to myself, but I can’t help it. I’m fucking adorable. And I’m fucking insane.


End file.
